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From an email chain:

This is off a football website, basically a thread describing moments when wives/girlfriends/etc simply act much dafter than you could possibly imagine.

Heh…reminds me of being on a bus in Leeds with my ex and there was a TV on the bus with your basic cheesy local advertising. She turns to me and says “Is that cable TV?”. I and all the other blokes in ear shot, couldn’t contain our laughter.

Anyway, let the larfs begin….

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Mrs Barca’91 once snapped at me “why are my clothes always red hot after YOU have ironed them?!” she said when putting a top off straight off the ironing board. I kid you not.

I couldn’t believe it an attempt at earning some much needed brownie points scuppered!

I stand by the fact that women are not normal people. Still I presume they think the same about blokes

My bird still thinks Umbongo is a country in Africa after I said I was off to the pub to watch Umbonga and Cameroon!!! This is 2 years later and I still bring the game up say Umbongo v Cameroon was a top game and have a giggle to myself!
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I have yet to be forgiven for convincing the other half that Sheffield used to have seven football clubs - “one for every day of the week” being their proud boast - of which Sheffield Wednesday were the only survivors, the other six having combined to form Sheffield United.
Went to Alton Towers with a friend. Apparently there’s a zoo like thing near the entrance, and she called her friend over, all excited and said “Hey, look! They’ve got a llama”. Her friend turned to her and simply said “That’s an ostrich”.

Few days later, she called everyone into the kitchen and kept pointing towards the bottom of the garden.
Her: “It’s a duck, look!”
Me: “Where?”
Her: “There, at the end of the garden!”
Me: “What, near the pigeon?”
Her: “… oh.”

Also, a classic from me missus last week: “So is Good Friday always on a Friday, then?”
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I once convinced my missus that Nicky Butt’s real surname was Buttocks but the FA wouldn’t allow him to have it on the back of his shirt as it was considered rude.

She’s very blonde
This one has to beat any of the others on here;Couple of years ago I came down to breakfast, and Mrs Riley is looking really pisssed of with me. Throughout the rest of the morning shes giving me the cold shoulder, and I really felt like Ron Atkinson at a Sunday gospel meeting. I couldnt work out what I had done wrong to upset her. I racked my brain, but couldnt come up with anything. Eventually I succumbed and asked her straight. What have I done wrong?, I asked. Im not talking to you. She replied, confirming my fears.  Just what have I done? I repeated. Then the bombshell came Im not speaking to you. Not after what you did in my dream last night. How could you? I mean&just how could you?. I was gobsmacked to say the least.
sorry mr riley ,this one will take the prize

couple of months ago mrs no fun and my eldest lad were sat watching richard and judy. the topic of discussion was people in jobs who expect a tip. Richard said ” those black cab drivers are the worst”, to which mrs no fun replied “thats a bit racist”

also, year or so ago out for a meal in rusholme, my mate stared choking on a bit of nan bread, but soon recovered. Mrs no fun said “thought I was going to have to give you the hymen manouver there”….which I presume is a lot different to the heimmlich manouver
Not as good as some already mentioned but still funny: a few months back a female friend of mine was going on holiday to France, so I offered her a few euro coins I had lying around. She said ‘I can’t use this one, it’s German’.

At my cousins on saturday and decided to borrow some films. Picking up a few dvds i asked his missus what they were like

her - “i dunno”

me - “you’ve not seen them then?”

her - ” Oh no, I only watch dvds i’ve already seen”

There is absolutely no answer to that

1) My English teacher girlfriend asked me if I knew what the Bear and Bull markets were re Stock Markets.

I told her that a Bull market was a bad thing,i.e. going down because Bulls are angry and unhappy whereas a Bear market is happy and cuddly becasue the market is going up.

Thought nothing else of it until she told me she had had a long discussion with a customer who though it was the other way round and she had corrected him

our rach had been at her fiance’s, popped home for 10minutes n then said shes going back there, mum shouted to say that she had cooked her tea, rach goes ‘i dont need any, we’ve at a casino in the back garden and we’re having a bbq’
she meant a gabizo not casino, easy mistake to make i suppos
Used to go out with a bird (blonde admittedly) who was convinced that when del falls through the gap in the bar in only fools and horses it was an accident but was so funny they left it in.

Her reasoning? “You can see just before it happens that the barman lifts the hatch up, and also trigger can’t work out what’s happened”

This though is the same woman with whom I had the following conversation:

HER: You know those chemicals you get in chocolate that make you feel all horny?

ME: Endorphins?

HER: No, in humans

We split up soon after that. Cracking top bollocks mind you
mrs baron on the way to italy

Bird: is it Buenos Aires?

Me: Is what Buenos Aires?

Bird: Hello, in Italian

Mrs Baron has a new book

bird: I’ve borrowed a book of my brother

Me: Oh aye, what book?

Bird: eighteen ninety four

Presumably george orwells rather confused vision of the future
bird at work just unwrapped her sandwiches and asked why the cling film looked blue when it was scrunched up.

I explained to her that it was the way the light refracted through it and used the apparent “blueness” of the sea as an example

Can you see it coming?

Well, not only did she think the sea was blue, but when I explained why it looked bluer where it was deep than up at the shore line, she also thought that if you took a glass full from way out at sea it would be bluer than if you took it from the shore

Incredible. This woman has a university education
watching an advert for the German ‘who wants to be a millionaire’,

the presenter asks “which superhero is named after a bird”

freakwit contestant answers “james bond”

cue audience laughter and sly pfffft from me,

2 minutes later my wife says ” I didn’t know James Bond was named after a bird” !! ffs

She nearly beat it the next day though, I (holding a pencil visibly in my hand) asked her if she knew where a pencil sharpener was…

her reply? “what for?”
One of my ex’s thought Cyprus was a planet
Not my missus but still funny…… my future sister-in-law went out to her car one morning and discovered the wing mirror had taken a bit of a knock. She snapped it back into place but the mirror itself was all cracked.

What did she do ??

Go to the dealers ? Halfords maybe ????

Nope! She went to IKEA and bought an actual square mirror. Took it home and made a cardboard cut out the size she needed from the wing mirror. She then drew a line around the cut-out onto the IKEA mirror and tried to score it with a knife. Then got a hammer and chisle and hit the freaker.

My brother arrived home to find bird in garden with lots of pieces of mirror.

MAD AS A freaking HATTER
Not long after meeting a bird, she asked me if I wanted to meet up for lunch on a particular saturday afternoon.

Me - Sorry Love I cant, I’m going to football.

Her- What football?

Me - Manchester United, were at home this week.

Her - (rather excitedly) Is that who you play for? Ive never been out with a footballer before!

I convinced the missus a few years ago (just after the release of the first harry potter book) to ask an asda shop assistant did they have a copy of harry potter and the chocolate starfish
Mates missus = Daft as a brush.

Locks herself out, then bangs on the window shouting at 6 month old son to crawl to the door and open it.

Wouldn’t go back on the pill coz it was confusing, the day was on the back of the foil, so to push the pill out you had to hold it up to the mirror and she couldn’t understand NOM EUT DEW UHT IRF TAS NUS.

Other women halfwittery.

The joke; I used to be a werewolf but I’m alright NOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW
changed, unintentionally, by my mates missus to; I used to be a werewolf but I’m alllllllriiiiiiiiight.

Ex missus: Do you want a cuppa.

Me: Theres a power cut, so put a bowl of water in the microwave.

Ex: (From the kitchen) The microwaves not working either.

Me: Stobbit.
Mrs. Creosote is of Welsh/Irish parentage, so supposedly a big rugby fan. A lot of her family live near Cardiff, so when the Zurich Premiership results were on the other day, I innocently asked, “Which club do your family support in the rugby?”

“No, we don’t like that…that’s a rugby league, not rugby union” she replied.

I tried to explain that Rugby Union had a league, and that Rugby League was a different sport altogether, but she wasn’t having it.

I’ve tried, really tried to get her into United, she even knows all the players now, but when I hear things like “I watched the southampton game, up until ronnie got substituted, then I turned it off” I give up.

Me and Mrs FLC were watching millionaire one Saturday night.

A question Where is Botany bay? came up.

And before the answers came up as proud as punch she shouts&.

Oh, Oh, I know this one, its just off the M56 on the way to Blackpool

Then the answers came up

Australia
France
USA
India

Mrs FLC Theyve got it wrong

I nearly fell off the settee laughing; needless to say BJs were scarce for a while.

And she chucked a jacket spud at me at a family
Was on holiday in France a couple of year’s ago. Driving between village where we were staying and a neighbouring village. About ten miles away. On way back to base she says, “the return journey seems longer”.

I say “that’s because it is. All of the bends are on this side of the road, therefore making the distance two miles longer this way”.

She oohs and aahs saying she would never have worked that one out.

But the funniest one I’ve personally ever come across;
A few years ago, while still a student, I was working for the Summer and living in staff quarters.

Myself and one of the lads were watching a disaster film on TV. One where the world ends. Can’t remember the name of the film but it was done from the perspective of a TV newsroom. So the newsreader was reading the news with the world minutes from ending. The two chicks who were sharing accomodation with us arrived back from the pub. The dim asks “what were we
watching”?

We tell her that the world is ending and we’ve only minutes left. A comet is about to hit us. She goes out and looks up at the sky. Appears to spot aforementioned comet. Comes in babbling and tears streaming down her face. She decides to ring her parents to say goodbye. She dials and just as her parents phone begins to ring, an ad break comes on!!

Hasn’t had much to say to either of us since .
Other ones include my mates g/f who once said Apollo 13 style when s’thing went tits up “Winston….we have a problem!”
Was watching an England game with girlfriend and her sister.

Girlfriend suddenly pipes up “Hang on, what’s Beckham doing playing for England. I thought he’d moved to Madrid?” To make it worse, her sister then goes “I was thinking that too, what’s going on?”

Mrs. Digger was convinced Jack Nicklaus and Jack Nicholson were one and the same. I often steered conversations on to the topic of films, which would inevitabley lead to praising one of the best actors in the world as being one fo the best golfers too and where does he find the time?

Mrs Diggers friend shouting loudly through the glass of a restaurant giving out to the waiters for having closed early. She was pulling the door marked “push”.
could update this thread every day with nonsense that my missus has come out with. But this is my favourite todate. When I was renovating the house I had an old run-around for dumping crap in. And she borrowed it one day to go and see he mum & dad. When she got back she said -

“Eh that’s quite quick for an old banger, I was did 80mph on the motorway”

me- “WTF you doing 80mph in it for”

Her - “well there was a truck in the inside lane so I had to keep up with the cars behind me

Mrs normskii once asked when I was watching the cricket,

if they have all these test matches, when are the real ones?
A former girlfriend, watching a match with me on telly, asked me in the build-up how they got the club crests onto each side of the pitch.

I explained that the groundsman painstakingly cut them in the day before.

This seemed to satisfy her, and she didn’t remark upon them vanishing during the game itself.

Come the second half, though, she was baffled as to how the groundsman had managed to switch them round so quickly.
Me an MrsM20 were playing the game in a pub. In the cash zone and was on for a few quid - might have been the £20 question - not sure but was in the money anyway.

Question comes up: Who was the first person to walk on the moon.?

Options were:
-Neil Armstong
-Louis Armstrong
+ 2 others who’s names escape me.

Wifey, who I might add is a classically trained saxophonist and knows her music very well including her jazz, jumps in, slaps the screen shouting Louis Armstrong, Louis Armstrong, we’ve won, we’ve won.

Er, no dear, we haven’t - we’ve just lost.

A quick crack to the back of the head soon the blonde back in her place!!!!
I asked my girlfriend one day if she wanted a bottle of Dr Pepper…. her reply:

“No thanks I hate the taste of pepper”

at me mates getting ready to go to the match, Its the first game of the season V Arsenal 93? and its cracking the flags sunny as, and on match of the day they are showing highlights of all the best ARS V UTD matches one of them from the 70 s snow covered pitch orange Ball Big Collars Funny hair cuts etc

Mates Mrs - ” Is this match Live”

Another one an ex of mine
Driving on the motorway and an Unmarked Police car (Sirens blaring etc Lights Flashing behind the grilles ) zooms past 100 mph
” what was that ?”
me an unmarked police car
” you dont see many of them”

once told my old woman
” I dont believe in that mad cow disease, I’ve been eating beef all my life and its never affected moooooooo” to which she nearly laughed her tits off. A few days later her friend came round and I heard her in the kitchen saying
” I dont believe in that mad cow disease, I’ve been eating beef all my life and Im not mooooooooo ”
Going to Cyprus with a bird about 3 years back. She asked me, “is Cyprus in Europe?” Yeah it is, says I.

And what happens? The next day she presents an envelope stuffed full of euros she’d got from the bank! ffs! I told her she’d ballsed it up and Cyprus wasn’t in the euro. She gets all indignant and says, “you freaking told me yesterday Cyprus was in Europe!!”

I had a total nightmare of a time trying to explain the difference between Europe as a continent and the European Union, and how some countries are in the EU but not in the euro (you may think she’d have noticed that as she freaking lives in one!) She kept interrupting during the argument to say “so IS Cyprus in Europe?” and “So now you’re saying Cyprus IS in Europe, then?”

Had a part time sales job at an office supplies company whilst a student, and sat next to this right dizzy bird.

Anyway, we got some new stock in and it included this shit hot new paper. This bird I sat next to rang a couple of our main accounts to try ang flog some of it - sounds OK so far…

Her pitch included the line ‘…..let me fax some over so you can feel the qulaity’..

My wife, who got a first in her degree, was with me driving through North Wales. We came across a sign for Mold which had the Welsh and English spellings, both of which were ‘Mold’. She piped up wit…..h fancy that, two places called Mold that close together.